The World I Once knew

For so long I have tried to explain how I feel as a bereaved mother living in a world that continues to turn; life goes on as if nothing ever happened, people continue to walk down the street with a smile on their faces while I scream in silence, grieving the loss of my baby boy.

The world is split into two halves.

1- One half is full of naive, innocent people that believe the world is a good place, that will do no harm. It is where people skip around the park with a bounce in their step, singing a merry tune, laughing with friends and planning their future.

2- The other is my current reality. It is seeing pain and suffering in everything your eyes turn to for comfort. It is sitting in an empty, quiet room for 9 hours a day without speaking to a single soul. It is dragging yourself out of bed in the morning, but for what? To hold a baby that isn’t there. To plan a future you might never have. To search high and low for the things that should bring you joy but don’t.

I was so blissfully unaware of the pain that one could feel. I was part of the world that saw joy in a beaming mother, smiled at giggling children and thought of the excitement a pregnancy would bring.

I’m not sure if I will ever see through the same eyes. My reality has made it so difficult, I can’t bare the thought of it.

The past year has stripped away so much joy and happiness, I wonder if I will ever truly feel happy again. Loss mums will tell me that I will smile again, but will I feel it? The smiles are easy, it’s the feelings that stop me in my tracks.

It is so easy to live in the world and be a participant in exchanging smiles and friendly greetings. Surrounded by people in a world I once knew, so happy and carefree. Part of me wonders who I was then and if I will ever be that person again.

I want to shout at the passing people and tell them what has happened, I want to world to know my pain and above everything else I want the world to know my baby. I want them to know that he was here, we touched him, we held him and we love him forever.

I continue to live in this blurry world searching for the door that will take me back to the world I once knew. I will carry Tobias every step of the way. You may not see him, I may not look like a mother. But I am and my son is here with me, always.