My head has been a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions since Tobias was poorly. During pregnancy, I always had a voice in my mind that told me ‘it will be ok’.
At 20 weeks we discovered that Tobias was not developing the way that he should be. Coming out from the appointment I didn’t know what to think. Did the nurses get it right? How poorly would he be? Would he be able to walk or talk? Stupid things like, would my car be big enough if he needed a walking frame? My mind was rapidly filled with thousands of unanswered questions, not once did I ask myself if he would come home. The thought never crossed my mind until much later in pregnancy, we didn’t know the extent of his disabilities until a conversation with a midwife a few hours before he was born.
In times of desperation people who question God always ask ‘why.’ ‘Why do bad things happen to good people? Why does God allow natural disasters that end so many innocent lives? Why does God steal children from their parents?’ These are all questions that most Christians find difficult to answer. (I know I do!) Christians always try their best to quote the bible or give examples of stories that show Gods love in moments of suffering but I don’t think we will ever truly understand why.
During the past few months I am questioning my answers and beliefs more and more. As I find it harder to discover my purpose, I find myself drifting deeper into an uncertain mist.
I have always been blessed to know my purpose in life. My only focus, was to become a mum. Being a mum was placed on my heart from such a young age. Growing up I always wanted to be a teacher and look after children. Moving through college and training, my goal still remained the centre of any decision, ‘what choice would be best suited to me when I am a mum?’ I guess that is why I continued to peruse teaching. Teaching was always a great career choice for a mum. Spending school holidays with your own children, contracted to school hours and being involved in school life as much as possible. My career wasn’t the only choice I made with a family in mind.
Marrying my husband. I always wanted a husband who I could imagine being a brilliant dad. I wanted to make sure that my children came from a loving relationship, with parents who supported each other and created a loving, Christian, family home. I wanted my future children to have the best Dad. I don’t know how, but Jake and I do have an amazing relationship. We know each others past, we support and guide each other in the present and we grow and share goals for the future. I have been so blessed in my marriage.
When we were house hunting, that came easy too! We wanted a FAMILY home. One where we could envisage children playing on the soft, summer grass, a bunk bed in the bedroom and a high chair at the table. We found a house which would give us the ability to make it our home for our future, for our children.
My friends and I went away for a girly weekend early in 2019. The conversation of children came up (as always) and when I said my exscuses out loud I realised how ridiculous I had been. I was trying to control everything, but actually I knew I always wanted to be a parent, God put it in my heart and I was pushing him away for so long. That weekend I decided that if I trusted God then I should listen to my heart. I would give up my control and just wait to see what happened. By the end of April 2019 I was pregnant. For weeks I just remembering thinking ‘I should have listened to him sooner’. As soon as I gave up my control it had happened, Baby Jackson was on the way.
Having always had one purpose now leaves me lost and confused. Just before trying for a bay I would stand in church and look over at the young family before me. Wondering when it would be our time. Jake made it clear he was ready for a family but for some reason I was reluctant for a while. I would make exscuses in my head about it not being the right time or wanting more money in the bank so I wouldn’t have to return to work with a 9 month old baby at home. I would stand in the congregation wondering what life would be like, hearing ‘it will be ok.’
Now, sitting here having had my baby but having no baby to wake me up at night, to take to the park or to cuddle on the sofa, I am beginning to wonder WHY. Why did this happen? Why did I want a baby so badly, I wanted everything to be perfect before I had a baby, I was so careful to bring this baby into a life where it had everything it desired, why could I not give him the life I dreamed of, why would I not help him survive, why was he taken away from me? Why did it happen to me, when so many parents don’t want their baby, their baby is still healthy and loved and gets to come home? Why did God give him to me, to take him away so soon? How did he stay healthy for a long, just to be born and not be able to breathe? Why did he let it happen? Why did he make it happen? Why was Tobias given to us in the first place?
‘God promises to make something good out of the storms that bring devastation to your life.’ Romans 8:28
I think these questions will be unanswered for some time, maybe even a life time. All I know is that my God does love me and I love him. I will probably never understand why things happen but that is ok, it isn’t my job to know everything. God knows everything and I trust that everything happens for a reason. Tobias was here for 7 weeks. In that 7 weeks he touched so many lives, blessed so many people, and made Jake and I parents. He has been an amazing blessing that I am forever grateful for having, no matter how short the time. He will always be in our hearts and minds.
‘For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’ Jeremiah 29:11
The physical absence of Tobias has left a huge hole in my heart. I wish he could have been here for longer but it would never have been long enough. I know he couldn’t have stayed for longer for he would have suffered. I’m learning that my questions are ok. That I am allowed to question God but I shouldn’t be angry. He gave me the best gift I could ever wish for, my little family. I am blessed and I am loved. I continue to pray that one day I will be a mother to another baby and another and another. I pray that will be healthy and then I will be a good parent. I pray that God continues to bless my life and bless those around me. I pray that God will reveal the purpose of mine, Jakes and Tobias’ life so that I can continue Gods good work and make a difference to people around me. I pray a prayer of thanks; thank you for EVERYTHING.
’I surrender… I will trust your plan for my life.’ Matthew 6:31-34
Puzzle Pieces of my Heart 