I’m still in the ‘he should be here’ phase i’m afraid. Moments seem to be hitting me left, right and centre at the moment. Even if I start by having a good day it seems to rapidly spiral out of control at the flick of a switch. Something so insignificant to others takes my breath away, I have to run and hide before I break down in front of everyone. (I know I should be able to cry in front of people, but that is a topic for another day!)
This week we celebrated a close friends birthday. I love a birthday party, a meal out or birthday cake, I mean, who doesn’t?! Recently, big gatherings have been a new challenge for me. Something that I used to love attending now feels almost impossible. I have convince myself every time that I should go. Sometimes I feel like i’m physically picking up my legs one after another to just get me closer to the door. Being social and going for meals was probably my favourite thing to do. If I had a choice to do anything with my day, it would be an easy decision; always a meal with friends. The last few months seemed to have sucked the fun and enjoyment out of everything that came so naturally before.
We went out for a birthday meal and as usual I didn’t want to go. However, despite not wanting to go in the first place it was actually going quite well. No awkward conversations, no silly comments from friends that don’t know what to say, no silences spread across the dinner table, it was quite an enjoyable evening. It even had moments when I was actually quite comfortable being out the house and surrounded by people (a rare occasion nowadays). The starters came out, the mains came out, everyone enjoyed their meals. It all looked so good. Naturally, following every birthday meal came the cake. The whole room joined the celebrations and sang Happy Birthday at the top of their voices. Who knew a cake could have such an impact!? All of a sudden, I could have burst.
‘Tobias will never have a birthday party, he will never get to hear everyone singing Happy Birthday to him or get to blow out his candles.’ That was it. I couldn’t cope. I had to leave. Trying not to make a fuss I told a few close people around me that I didn’t feel well and I managed to make a quick and sly exit out of the restaurant into my car and I drove home. I drove the whole journey in tears, trying to imagine the memories we will never get to make.
Occasions, celebrations and holidays will always be difficult. I am hoping they will get easier with time, or I will just be able to prepare myself for them. It seems that every positive moment is stolen by grief and I will not let grief take over me. I may have to take a step back for now and work my way forwards, one tiny step at a time but I will not put myself in a position again that I do not feel I can cope with. I’m trying to carry on as normal, pretending I have it together, but I can’t carry on as normal, I don’t have it all together. I need to do this slowly before I make myself worse. I would rather be strong at home than out and silently falling apart. Time to Practise what I preach.
‘One Moment At A Time’.
Puzzle Pieces of my Heart 