I never really think much of Valentines Day. It is always nice to do something special but i’m not a huge fan of crap, unwanted presents or soppy cards with a talking heart on the front.
That being said Valentines Days was once very special. It is was day Jake and I got engaged. It was about as romantic and cringey as you can get; in Paris, top of the Eiffel Tower, he got down on one knee as asked me to marry him. Obviously, I loved it. I used to love sickening romance (and still do from time to time). Since this Valentines Day in 2016 we have both had a realistic expectation that Valentines Day will never get any better than that and therefore, flowers will do. (I’ll take flowers any day!)
Valentines Day this year hit me like a brick. Wow, I did not see this one coming. The first ‘holiday’ since Tobias passed away. (I’m not counting Christmas as I was in hospital myself, I almost forgot the day existed.) I have become quite good at preparing myself when leaving the house. I have the understanding that when going out I could encounter something that could catch me off guard and tug at my heartstrings at any moment. When going to the shopping centre, I prepare myself to see other mums with their babies. When I see friends, I prepare myself, I know that those who are parents will talk about their baby. When I go to the hairdressers, I prepare answers for the constant list of extremely personal questions. However, Valentines Day was one thing I did not prepare for.
It was just a day like any other. We hadn’t planned to do anything special or go out in public to witness everyone else living their ‘perfect’ life. We were at home, quite happy, enjoying our jigsaw puzzle. But then I went onto social media. I’m not a massive fan, and still only post occasionally but I have had a lot of time on my hands recently and social media seems to be the thing I am filling my time with. The power social media has is incredible, I have underestimated it up until now. It seemed like every post was about babies and families spending it with their loved ones. Living their ‘perfect life’. (I should have seen it coming.)
Is it really necessary to dress your baby in a onesie saying ‘My First Valentines Day’? Or cover my news feed with ‘My Baby is the only Valentine I need’? Even posts unrelated to babies; to see others posting photos with their husband or boyfriend so in love and happy, those photos acted like an instant time machine that took me straight back to when I felt like that. When I had everything I ever wanted, so happy and content my heart could have burst. Now, there is a huge hole in my heart. Celebrating a day of love was really tricky this year. I have so many people that I love so dearly, I cherish every one of them and I am so thankful they are part of my life but it will never fill this hole where Tobias should be.
Tobias Charlie Jackson, you are my forever valentine. Next year I will celebrate you. You made my heart complete.
Puzzle Pieces of my Heart 