One Moment at a Time.

The book that made me feel ‘normal’-

Ask Me His Name- Elle Wright

Over the past few days I have made a conscious effort to be proactive in seeking support and guidance for life after baby loss. Living life after the loss of Tobias at times seems impossible. The meaning of my life has been stripped away so violently, I can’t see any way to put it back together again. During our stay in hospital the only way to get through was to concentrate on one day at a time, well, it started as one day at a time but things move too rapidly for that (especially in NICU). It quickly turned into one moment at a time.

One moment at a time, I becoming my life motto! (I hate to admit it but i’m starting to enjoy the freedom that brings.) I’ve always planned my life; every detail and every decision has always been thought out and weighed up but now I am learning to live in the moment. God keeps revealing his control to me, recently, whenever I try to control life or look too far into the future he sends me a reminder that he is in control. I have been sick for a while and I truly believe this is Gods way of forcing me to slow down and breathe. If I hadn’t been ill I’m sure I would be back at work by now. I often cope best in stressful situations by distracting myself and keeping busy, as many of us do! (Actually, now I have said that out loud, that probably isn’t coping at all, more running away and ignoring it but still, it helps us carry on with life.) This time I have not been able to do that, and even though I am finding it extremely difficult to let go of my control I am becoming so content with my home, family and more appreciative of how lucky I am to now be in better health and have wonderful people around me. Friends and family that offer advice, a shoulder to cry on and support whenever I need it.

One friend had read an article about a book. She suggested I read it to hear that life does go on, and you can and will be happier again one day. With this in mind and nothing to loose I ordered the book the next morning. Ask Me His Name by Elle Wright. Straight away the title was perfect for me. Instantly I thought about how I was finding it so difficult to bring Tobias into conversation and how everyone around me was waiting for me to signal that it was ok to talk about him. Obviously, because I had met friends and hadn’t mentioned him they all presumed I didn’t want to talk about him. Of course I want to talk about him, he is my baby, I want to talk about him CONSTANTLY the same as any other mum. Talking about him is so hard, I don’t know what to say about him without rambling for 20 minutes and others often do not know how to respond, some are so careful with their words they barely say anything and then others don’t know what to say but want to say something so they end up saying something stupid and really hurtful. Just from the title of this book I knew that Elle Wright understood.

Throughout the book there were so many situations and feelings I could resonate with. I kept pausing and being amazed at how she took my feelings and put them into words. As I read my way through the chapters in the book I realised that she was working her way through chapters of her life. There was chapters?! I feel suck in this one chapter at the moment, but having thought back after reading the book I realise that I too have already been working through so many chapters myself, I just hadn’t recognised it until now.

• The numb ‘I can do this’ feeling I had when leaving the hospital.
• The ‘he was so poorly’ feeling I had when his suffering was over.
• The ‘how do people get through this’ feeling when I felt I had no purpose.
• The ‘life carries on’ feeling when I saw my nieces in their Christmas performance.
• The ‘he should be here’ feeling when I see a baby, or visit the park or go for lunch or actually when I do anything! ‘He should be here.’

This is my current chapter. ‘He should be here.’ Every where I look my heart is reminded on my loss. I feel like i’m walking around as a zombie. Not only looking like one because I cant be bothered to do my make-up or wear fitting clothes but because I don’t want to talk to anyone, see anyone or even have to look at anyone. I just want to hide into the background a live my life quietly, as an invisible mum, dealing with this on my own and being able to ignore the world around me that upsets me so much, trying to get through life one moment at a time.

As you can tell, this chapter isn’t great one for me. Possibly the hardest one yet. But it is just a chapter and I know I will move to the next chapter soon. I am living in the moment knowing that this feeling will not last forever. I have to make a conscious effort that although all I want to do is hide from the world, I am so lucky to have amazing people around me still and I need to appreciate them and let them move through this with me, they are not against me, this chapter will pass.

The final chapter of the book is titled ‘Dear Teddy’. This is Elles letter to her baby. I still have not managed to finish this book and i’m not sure when I will be able to. I cannot read this last chapter. Emotionally, I’m just not ready for that yet. I haven’t even thought about what I would want to say to Tobias and I don’t think I can think about that right now. One day I’m sure I will, but not today. So let’s not worry about that just yet, the time will come.

One moment at a time.