Memory Making with Tobias

Tobias is my baby boy, he was born on October 11th 2019. We knew from the moment he was born that there could be a possibility we might have limited time together. Knowing this meant that I wanted to make as many memories as possible.

The hospital gave us a Louis Box. This box is a box of memory making activities. I would love to know how to thank Louis’ parents for such a lovely idea. The NICU gave it to us a week before Tobias passed away. In that time we made foot and hand prints from ink and clay, read him a story, gave him a special blanket and had an angel to look after him. Inside the box were two identical teddies. One teddy for him and one for us. We display this teddy at the heart of our home and when I look at it I am reminded that Tobias is here with us, every though we cannot see him. The value of this little box of memory making ideas is what I cling to today. I sit and stare at his little footprints and it reminds me of how tiny and precious he is. Although it has only been a couple of months, memories sometimes feel so far away, holding his foot prints close makes me feel like his mummy. It reminds me of how it felt to touch is tiny toes and how soft his skin was and how perfect he was.

Strangely, the memory box has enabled me to get excited about the future. We are holding a tiny packet of wild flower seeds, keeping them safe until spring. My husband made a sweet border for his garden while we wait to have a headstone. We are hoping that when the time comes to take this off his garden we are going to bring it home with us, pace it in our garden at home and grow flowers in it to take back to him. To be able to bring part of him home and take flowers from our home to him is what I am longing for. Tobias never came home, but he is and always will be part of our house and I cant wait to give part of it back to him.

While we were in hospital with Tobias we had conversations that are every parents worst nightmare, most cannot even imagine what it must be like to talk about withdrawing care for your baby’s treatment. I am so grateful to the doctors and nurses that had these conversations with us and helped us prepare for what was about to happen. Obviously I never wanted to have these conversations but it meant that we were able to make the most of every moment we had. The last week we had with Tobias we felt like we were just waiting, we knew what was going to happen. There isn’t a word to describe how it made us feel, we didn’t want to spend our last week with him being sad, we had the rest of our lives to be upset. We both made a very conscious decision to be as happy as we could when we were with him, we needed to make this last week the best we could.

It was my birthday that week and the heartache that took over my body was unbearable. I felt broken. At this point it was becoming almost impossible to hold back the tears and pass any positive energy onto him but I knew I had to try, I didn’t want my baby to know something was wrong. The usual conversation with family and friends about what I wanted for my birthday, I just remember thinking it was such a stupid question… What did I want for my birthday? My baby. Just my baby. I wanted him healthy, I wanted him to be safe and I wanted him to come home with me.

The day came around, I knew that my 25th birthday was going to be the best birthday I will ever have. Even with the heartache and constant lump in my throat I was able to hold my baby close to my chest and enjoy every moment. A birthday present I knew I was never going to get again. Knowing that next year he wouldn’t be here and even though I was stuck in hospital and felt the dreaded anticipation of what was about to happen, it was the best birthday I’ll ever have. I am so grateful to be able to have had this time with him and know how special it would be for years to come. I always wanted to get married, buy a house and have a baby before I was 25. Ridiculous I know. Tobias was due 1 month after my birthday but there I was on my 25th birthday holding my baby in my arms. God has given him to me early just to make my dream come true.