I don’t know if you have been pregnant and wanted to keep it a ‘secret’ before. I use the word ‘secret’ in inverted commas because I still to this day do not know 1 single person who has wanted to keep pregnancy a ‘secret’ and they have actually managed it. The first 12 weeks felt like eternity.
After a grand total of…. 3 days. Yes, 3 days, we had told pretty much everyone we had seen. Our family knew we were expecting, our close friends were in constant conversation asking about me or the Jelly Bean that was growing inside me, they wanted to know all the gruesome details that come with pregnancy.
By the 7th week my clothes were very tight and I had to resort to leggings on most days. I was bouncing around in my leggings and the most baggy tops I could find with a spring in my step, a smile on my face and camouflaging my tiny little Jelly Bean pouch that my work colleagues knew nothing about. I loved that work was my place to keep my little secret, only I knew about my little Jelly Bean, it was mine and only mine. I was convinced I could keep the little bean a secret at work quite easily for the whole 12 weeks. I couldn’t imagine having to break the news to work colleagues if we didn’t make it to the ‘safe zone’ so i thought it was best to keep it a secret. That is the rule we made up in the end. If we wouldn’t be want to talk to them about a miscarriage then don’t tell them about the pregnancy until we were ‘safe’. I don’t think anyone at work had noticed my gradual change in clothing or the smile that kept subconsciously creeping onto my face when I thought about having a big bump in a few weeks time. I was covering it up quite well until the fluttering, butterfly feeling in my tummy turned into something more, something worse.
The morning sickness, caught me completely off guard. I had felt amazing! Some would say I was glowing. But the morning sickness, oh dear! I couldn’t move, I didn’t know what to do. I rang the only friend I had told that had had a baby and told her how awful it was. If you’ve ever had morning sickness you will know the feeling deep, deep in your stomach. If you move to quickly, breathe out of rhythm, of the wind touches your face on an outwards breath you could thrown up at any moment! My friend, very sympathetic as always, told me I would be OK. It wouldn’t last long and morning sickness usually calms down after 12 weeks, all I have to do is eat. EAT. That was the last thing I wanted to do!
However, most of the time she was right and I felt so awful I would have tried anything she told me. So I managed to get some sugar coated cereal next to my bed and eat. WOW, she was good. Eating made me feel better instantly. Every morning I would eat a good portion or dry cereal before even leaving the bedroom. Somehow it worked and I managed to stay in work and just keep that trusted cereal by my side all day, every day closely tucked away in my desk drawer where no-one could see it.
That was it, pregnancy symptoms over! Everything else was fine. God had been so good. Falling pregnant had been so easy, the first weeks had filled me with so much joy, I was sure that my easy ride would come to an end soon. (No-one has a pregnancy like this!) I began to ‘show’ much earlier than I expected (which I loved). As I approached what we thought was the 12th week of pregnancy the excitement began to build even more.
Thinking it was the 12th week, my husband and I went along to our first scan. That when we saw our funny little jelly bean bouncing around in my tummy and the sonographer (scanning person) broke the news that the 12 weeks we had been longing for to be over were actually only 8 weeks and we still had a few weeks to go before we were in the ‘safe zone’. This felt like the longest 12 weeks of my life!
Still, we left with a smile on our faces as proud as punch. Knowing this tiny little jelly bean was growing healthy was all we needed to hear. We googled the statistics (which I know you shouldn’t do) as we had to find out how ‘safe’ we were. It turns out if a healthy heartbeat has been at 8 weeks the chance of an early miscarriage drops considerably. Because of this, we managed to convince ourselves it was fine to tell the world! I went to work to tell my boss and Jake did the same with his. We told extended family and some more friends, the only people we waited to tell was work colleagues and the crazy world that is social media acquaintances.
The next 4 weeks felt like eternity. I was still munching discretely on my sugar coated cereal throughout the day and deep breathing when needed but I was certain I had covered up my little bump leading up to that 12 week scan.
Finally, the day came for scan day! What a magical day it was! Seeing the legs on this little beans, kicking and waving around, its arms moving, and every few seconds it would completely flip upside down and confuse everyone. I never knew which end was up and which was down! We managed to hear its tiny little heart beating and everything was healthy. I remember lying back on that very uncomfortable hospital trolley, in the dark silent room, I couldn’t wait to leave. I was wishing for this day to come round for so long, I couldn’t wait to see our jelly bean again. I finally got to see it, and then i couldn’t wait to leave. I couldn’t wait to leave so I could ring my mum, my work, my friends, and everyone on social media. I wanted to tell everyone that we had a healthy, strong baby and we were FINALLY in the ‘SAFE ZONE.’
Puzzle Pieces of my Heart 